Dutchie Does Dining: A List of Austin’s Best

Dutchie Does Dining: A List of Austin’s Best

So I’ve realized I’m pretty bad at this blogging thing; maybe not the content thing (you can be the judge of that), but consistency and dedication portion. For those of you who continue to read – love you, despite leaving you high and dry for about a month at a time.

As a self-proclaimed cultural ambassador to Austin, and a Fat Kid, I feel the need to pimp out my favorite places to grub and grab a drink. I’m going to be an asshole and say I have a rather sophisticated and discerning palate. To me, this means I turn my nose up to some things. To me, those things are poorly executed, clumsily thought out, and sloppily prepared meals and dishes; meals and dishes that lack creativity, fundamentals, or love for food, technique, and ingredients. This does not mean that I do not enjoy simple food, inexpensive food, or restaurants where ambiance is clearly lacking. It is quite the opposite – if you choose to prepare simple food, inexpensive food, or concentrate on things other than ambiance in your restaurant, all the better. My critique for these places will focus solely on the food; so make sure it’s plentiful, satisfying, and goddamn delicious. On the other side of the fence, I need to steal/paraphrase a bit from my hero Anthony Bourdain and say “sometimes it just feels really fucking good to drop an unreasonable amount of money on a meal”. But I’ll be dammed if the demands don’t increase proportionally with the price – if I’m spending north of $30-$50 per head including booze it better be worth every penny.

 This is not meant to be an all-inclusive review of every restaurant in town that I have eaten at. With a few very notable exceptions, go to Fearless Critic for that. Their critics and I share many of the same feelings on enjoyment, quality, and value of a meal, and I find their ranking system pretty indicative of my own. I know there are a few places notably missing from this list…simply because I’ve never been. So if you have been, and wonder “why in the hell isn’t [Mulberry/Barley Swine/Etc] on the list?”, give me a reason to go!

On to the List…

The Top 5:

 1) Taco Deli

·         In a city with great food, how does a casual breakfast/lunch place, serving tacos make the top of the list? They do it by making everything on their menu unbelievably good, and some things truly exceptional…and doing it day in and day out with the same high standards. On TD’s worst day, I still walk away absolutely satisfied, knowing I probably won’t eat better than that the rest of the day. To clarify – while I adore TD’s breakfast taco’s (the Otto in particular), it’s the lunch menu that really shines. The Cowboy Taco, with a slathering of the (should be world famous) Doña sauce, is absolutely perfect. It’s what I crave about Austin when I’ve been away for a while, and frankly one of the 2-3 best things to eat in all of Austin. Other standouts include many of their daily specials: The Delibelly (braised pork belly taco with a Serrano pico, honey glaze, and fat slice of avocado), the Scallop Taco (who lives in the same ethereal realm as the Cowboy), and the Ceviche Taco. Throw a dart at the menu, you’ll find something you like, something you love, and something you can’t live without. Some of the best Queso in Austin as well, and a mean Agua Fresca. If you eat here, and don’t get why I love it so much, we have some pretty serious issues to work out.

 2) Asia Café

·         #2 on my list is another restaurant with the ambiance only a strip center and undecorated walls can provide? The food is just that good. Asia Café, located off of 183 and Spicewood, is one of the few reasons I choose to drive north of 183 and Mopac with any frequency. It used to be located in the back of an Asian grocery store, Asia Market, and became so popular they decided to buy the store next door and open a full-fledged restaurant. You walk in, pick up a menu (or read from the board), order your food, grab a number, and wait for a dude to scream out your number in English and then something indecipherable in Mandarin. But in all honesty, you could give a shit less about ambiance when the food arrives. It’s real Chinese food, as opposed to your standard Americanized menu of lemon chicken or beef with broccoli. The “spicy fish” is an unknown white fish, battered and fried, and swimming in a chili and chili oil sauce, topping a mound of sautéed bok choy and other veggies. My favorite dish in all of Austin. Check Yelp – I can’t remember the last time there was a review about the place without talking about how fucking insane the Spicy Fish is. Other must orders on the list include Asia Eggplant (sweet, gingery stewed eggplant dish served in a hotpot, with minced pork), the Singapore Noodles (egg, pork, crawfish, and shrimp, stir-fried with hair thin rice noodles, and an unbelievably spicy sauce), and their lo-meins. Get a big group, have everyone order one dish, and split it up. It’s the best way to enjoy the best Chinese food in Austin, and my 2^nd favorite restaurant.

3)      3) La Condesa

·         Sexy. Possibly the best way to describe La Condesa. The food is elegant and tantalizing, and the décor is chic. The soundtrack busts out everything from Manu Chao to Phoenix, and the crowd usually seems to be hip, well dressed, and in the mood for a good time. The drinks are strong but go down like water. The tequila menu rivals most wine menus in terms of breadth and selection.  They lay claim to the best house margarita on planet earth. What La Condesa does right is sort of a reinvention/modernization of Mexican cuisine. They take the spirit of great Mexican food and elevate it to something sophisticated and even more delicious. Freshness, quality of ingredients, and attention to detail set this place apart, and make it truly my favorite fine dining spot in Austin. Starting a meal at La Condesa must include one of their many amazing ceviches. The freshness of the fish, the quality of ingredients, and the balance of flavors make the La Condesa Ceviches unbeatable. The Acapulco is more of your “standard” ceviche, but balanced superbly, so the flavor and texture of the fish, as opposed to the citrus or salsa, shines. My personal favorite, the Vuelve a la Vida (Come back to Life) resembles more of a “shrimp cocktail” at a traditional Mexican restaurant, but elevates it to a whole new level with at least 4 different types of seafood and a smoky tomato based broth, sweetened by horseradish. Although the chips and salsas are not complimentary, it’s well worth the order. 4 different varieties (2 green, 2 red) are presented, each pureed into a silky flavorful sauce, with the smoky morita chili based salsa being my favorite. Every time I have been to La Condesa I have been floored by every item on the menu, but the Scallop entrée and Pato con Mole Negro are pure bliss. Whatever you do, don’t leave without at least one order of the Elotes. Their take on Mexican street corn is unbeatable…almost worth a trip just for that. And a house marg or two.

4)      4) Uchi/Uchiko

·         What can I say that hasn’t already been said about Austin’s most famous restaurant(s)? They source the best fish in town. They prepare it better than anywhere in town. They aren’t really a sushi restaurant on the one hand, and on the other hand they are the best sushi restaurant in town by a mile. I love what they do with food, and want to see what else Tyson Cole will have in store for Austin in the coming years. Give me a couple hundred bucks to spend, a foodie to dine with, and I’m in heaven. And make sure to keep the hotate coming in a constant rotation. 

5)      5) Foreign and Domestic

·         I lost a bet on the world cup final, and had to take Leach out to a dinner of his choice. We were considering Uchiko, but decided to try something new. My first experience at Foreign and Domestic included 6 appetizers, 2 entrees, 2 desserts, and 2 bottles of wine. I left that meal arguing it was the best dining experience I’d ever had in Austin, and about a year later I can’t really argue with it. F&D does a rotating menu of bold dishes with even bolder flavors. There is very little subtlety about the place – but the atmosphere is relaxed, the service is great, and the food is rich and plentiful. If you’re into weird cuts of animals or interesting ways to eat fats, this is the place to be. Crispy tongue, heart tartare, whipped lardo, and foie appetizers are as good as they get, but could be construed as overly rich for some. A rotating menu of entrees showcases some very bold flavors, and I have opted to the seafood options with great success. Dine here with some foodies, and you will have a blast. Those with more reserved palates may have a harder time here.

The “Just Missed the Cut” List:

Spectacular: good enough for separate recognition, but still can’t throw my top 5 off their pedestal.

·         Perla’s

o   Best oyster bar in Austin. Fantastic cocktails. Incredibly fresh seafood, prepared expertly. They don’t take too many risks here, mainly because they don’t have to…this is my go-to spot in Austin when I get a seafood craving (as opposed to sushi). Was bumped from my top 5 after La Condesa entered the picture. When the weather isn’t too hot, one of my favorite Austin past-times is enjoying a few cocktails on the patio, with a plate of oysters, simply basking in the South Congress vibe.

·         Parkside

o   Another excellent seafood restaurant, with a HUGE selection of oysters. At times their food can be a bit too sweet for me, but I attribute that to a bad day as opposed to a recurring theme. I certainly prefer the cocktails and location at Perlas to Parkside, but the food is certainly on par.

·         Jeffrey’s

o   Classssy food. High end American with an Austin twist, done in a converted house in Clarksville. The décor is a bit weird, and seems like it hasn’t changed much from the 80s, but they really crank out some excellent food. Their Oysters Octavia are deep fried nuggets of gold.

·         Hudson’s On the Bend

o   I had a lot of firsts at Hudson’s. My first tasting menu. My first wine pairing. My first taste of foie. I’ve been back a few times, and had mixed results, but that tasting menu was simply to die for. Seared foie gras is just a thing of beauty, and they do it better than anyone. The wine selection is fun, the menu is creative, but the biggest detractors are price and location. If it were more central and/or more affordable, this would be a no-brainer for special meals.

·         Odd Duck

o   I love the farm to market concept. Or “Farm to trailer” concept as Odd Duck has coined it. Take what’s local, what’s good, and what isn’t mass produced, and make the best you can out of the ingredients as they are in season. Odd Duck really set off the gourmet portion of the gourmet food trailer revolution in Austin for me, and still stands as the pinnacle of what great trailer food should be. The pork belly sliders are a can’t miss.

·         Kebabalicious

o   My favorite drunk food on planet earth. I dream of Kebabalicious. It’s coincidentally located across the street from my favorite bar (Mugshots), and I’ve been known to stare out the window from Mugshots, waiting for Kebabalicious to open. A beef/lamb gyro, spicy, with everything may be the perfect Austin street food. It’s also guaranteed birth control, because you will be battling that one down and out for some time to come. But it’s so damn good, you don’t care. During SXSW I am known to eat here multiple times a day…and wait almost an hour just for the pleasure of ordering.

Mexican / Tacos

This is really what Austin does best. And below is the best of that best. Torchy’s just missed the “just missed the cut” list, and is an awesome counterpoint to Taco Deli.

·         Torchy’s

o   2^nd best Taco shop in town, not far down from Taco Deli. They kill it. My favorite breakfast taco in town by a wide margin. Lunch/Dinner also rocks, with the Green Chili Pork and the Brushfire Tacos being on par with some of Taco Deli’s best. Best queso in Austin.

·         Curra’s

o   Formerly my favorite Mexican restaurant in town. It’s not that they have changed…but that I’ve found some new loves in my life. Best Al Pastor taco in town. Anything that is pork, or seafood, is a pretty decent bet at Curra’s. Great margs – the avocado marg is certainly worth a try if you’ve never experienced it before.

·         Polvo’s

o   Best fajitas on planet earth. Everclear margaritas that you wouldn’t know were made of everclear until someone told you. Truly an “Austin” experience, and worth the ever-present wait. Chile Relleno en Nogada is another unique dish you can’t find on most menus, and they do one of the best I’ve ever had.

·         Sazon

o   Certainly a place you wouldn’t look at and think “I need to eat here” when driving down the road. They do dishes with a lot more subtlety than I’ve seen out of affordable Mexican restaurants in the past. I do always feel like I’m eating in a cave when I go in, but the food is worth a crummy environment.

·         Takoba

o   Fancy Mexican on the eastside. Probably the best chips and salsa in town compliment really well done Mexican food. The restaurant itself feels a bit “sterile”, it’s just too new, too clean, and not enough soul. It may not help that almost everyone who works there is a hipster. But damn can they crank out a great brunch, some great ceviche, and a hell of a pastor. I need to do a bit more exploring of their menu, but it’s all great stuff from what I’ve tried.

·         Manuel’s

o   One of the more expensive spots in town for Mexican, but they do it all very well. Their Chile Relleno en Nogada is one of the most beautifully presented anywhere, and they slap out a mean fajita. Possibly the best flan in Austin.

·         El Chile

o   Interior Mexican food is where it’s at. Curra’s, Polvo’s, and Sazon all do amazing interior, and El Chile is no exception. Great mole here, and it’s always fun to see puffy tacos on a menu in Austin. I prefer the Manor location to the Graystone, but both are equally awesome. Their roasted salsa has an awesome smoky flavor and blackish color that’s really unique.

·         El Chilito

o   The little brother to El Chile. It’s my local haunt. For $6 I can get a couple awesome tacos in about 5 minutes flat. They use the same salsa as El Chile, which really is a great accent to whatever else they have. The Charlie taco for breakfast and the Tinga tacos for lunch/dinner with guac are my personal favorites.

·         Ken’s Tacos Subs and More

o   Owned by a white dude with long, silver hair, and located at the corner of Cameron Road and Rundberg, this is the big “WTF” on my Mexican list thusfar. They give you the biggest bang for your buck of any restaurant on this list, and make almost everything in house. Personal favorites include their Carne Guisada (the best I’ve ever had), the Sausage and Egg, and strangely the single best Philly Cheesesteak sandwich I’ve ever had. Tell Ken that Ron and his son said hi the next time you’re in.

Sushi

·         Musashino

o   Some of the freshest seafood in town. I believe Tyson Cole had worked here at one point before moving on to Uchi success. Really interesting rolls and dynamite sauces. It’s been a while since I’ve been, but I have yet to have anything less than a stellar dining experience every time I’ve been to Musashino.

·         Origami

o   Located in a strip mall in Round Rock that previously held an abandoned Albertsons, you would expect absolutely awful sushi. Instead you get some of the most fresh and flavorful sushi in Austin. I’d highly recommend sitting at the bar, as the chefs are great conversationalists, even when slammed, and highly knowledgeable. The Bob Marley roll and Ninja roll are two of my personal favorites. And of course, as much escolar as you can cram into your face, if they have it fresh.

Pizza

·         Homeslice

o   It’s a well-known fact that Homeslice sends their entire staff (from floor to the kitchen) to NYC for a pizza tour once a year. This is what they replicate really damn well. I can’t think of a better crust in Austin – they get the perfect chew and crunch combination, like a good NYC pie should. There’s always a wait, but it’s so worth it.

·         Salvation

o   Compared to Homeslice, Salvation is more of your Neapolitan style pizza, with a thinner, crispier crust. Its biggest advantage is the relative lack of a wait. It’s never dead inside, but there seems to always be a way to snag a table as you walk in. Great sauce, amazing crust, and really quality ingredients set this apart from the rest in town. If Homeslice is #1, this would be a very close #1b.

·         Backspace

o   Literally the “backspace” of Parkside, this restaurant is rumored to have imported a pizza oven costing more than $100,000. And literally everything that is cooked in the restaurant uses the oven, to get that smoky woody goodness in the food. The menu is limited, which is a great thing. The addition of a fried egg on any pizza is just divine. And…they have guanciale, which is one of my all-time favorite ways to cure pig parts.

·         Hoboken Pie Company

o   I felt this streetza place on 8^th and Red River deserved at least some respect. The best street pizza in Austin, and a SXSW haunt of mine.

Chinese

I’ve almost come to the same conclusion with Chinese food as I have with BBQ. Get the good stuff, get the real stuff, and skip all the rest. Asia Café is just.that.good. So it makes it almost impossible for me to eat Chinese food anywhere else in town. I’ve been dying to try Chen’s noodle house…but it’s located in the same parking lot as Asia Café and it’s pretty tough for me to try something new when the Spicy Fish is 5 feet away.

·         Din Ho

o   Located in that crappy shopping center with the Target at Ohlen and 183, this was my first taste of the “true” Chinese food in Austin. I found Asia Café about 3 months later, and haven’t really looked back, but I’d put this as a close second. The BBQ pork and roast duck are pretty awesome here. I’d put the roast duck a head above Asia Café’s, if that’s your thing.

·         Shanghai

o   Amazing Dim Sum. Enough said. Get there at 11 on a Saturday or Sunday and pig out on MSG goodness. Then go take a nap.

Vietnamese

·         Tan My

o   My favorite pho in town. Also my favorite beef with vermicelli in lemongrass in town. I was on a Vietnamese kick a few years back and would eat at this place at least once week for lunch. Now that I’ve moved a bit further away, and our office is 15-20 minutes away, I cherish every chance I get to eat some great Vietnamese food.

·         Thanh Nhi

o   Tremendous Banh Mi. For like $3. Seriously. The nicest lady you will ever meet operates it. I hadn’t been there in around 6 months and she remembered who I was, and said how nice it was to see me again.

Thai

·         Thai Spoon

o   The only place that gets Thai food right in Austin. Except it’s in Round Rock…damn near Hutto at the corner of Gattis School Road and Red Bud, in the HEB shopping center. Their menu is absolutely fantastic, but I would focus nearly all of my efforts around their curries. The Panang curry is sweet, spicy, and fresh. Their Salt and Pepper Tofu is also excellent. For bonus points, start ordering dishes spicier than “Thai Spicy”…we had a competition at work, and Snow Rosen took the prize getting up to 16x Thai Spicy on one order.

Indian

·         G’Raj Mahal

o   After living in London a few summers ago, it was nearly impossible for me to eat Indian food anywhere in town. It was all expensive, and just didn’t taste right. It was too greasy, it didn’t seem fresh enough, there was never enough spice, too many cream based sauces, too much Americanization, and it just seemed rather sloppily and hastily put together everywhere I went. G’Raj Mahal, however, does it pretty damn well, and pretty damn authentic. It might be expensive, there might be a wait, but just the smell of all those toasting spices and few BYOB beers is more than reason enough for me to wait. Amazing naan, an unbelievable lamb jalfrezi (that is spicy as shit), and a to die for rendition of chicken Kashmiri.

·         Teji’s

o   Another standout in a strip mall in Round Rock. Located across the street from Round Rock high school, this is another “restaurant in the back of a market/grocery” that puts the rest to shame. It tastes like someone’s mom is in the back, cooking home cooked Indian food. Great stuff, very balanced, and good enough that you almost forget you’re in a poorly lit grocery store, eating on a plastic table, with plastic utensils on paper plates. Not sexy, but very tasty.

Cocktails

Why does this deserve its own section? Well, frankly, because the places below have knocked out some fan-freaking-tastic cocktails, and I’ve been told also hammer out some incredible food. The drunk I am, I have only really indulged in beverages and finger foods at these fine establishments (which have been delectable). So I’m calling out their baller craft as cocktail bars in the hopes I have a reason to actually eat there in the near future.

·         Eastside Showroom

o   An extensive cocktail menu, and a really cool, funky setup in their bar, merging a hipster and steampunk theme. They make a mean sazerac, which I’ve come to find out, is much more difficult than it should be. God bless the cocktail revival.

·         Peche

o   An absinthe bar. A pre-prohibition cocktail emporium. The bartenders wear bowties and vests. The menu is broken out by primary liquor, and gets rather extensive. It was the first place I had tried elderflower liquor and was blown away. They make a pretty mean old fashioned here, but I certainly implore you to try something a bit more outside your comfort zone. I’ve only heard the best about their food, but only had a nibble here and there, and never anything resembling a meal.

·         Bar Congress

o   The guy who started Eastside Showroom was poached by a few other restaurants to develop a bar menu has now made his way to starting up Bar Congress. Located in the Austonian and sharing a kitchen (and also the bar portion of Second Bar + Kitchen), it’s a bit pretentious. How pretentious? I’m not sure they actually serve vodka at their bar (and this is a very, very good thing, actually). Cocktails sometimes reach north of $14. So pretentious the master mixologist rocks a turn of the 20th century waxed mustache and once served me a ¼ oz of bitters in a glass and said sometimes he likes to just sip them. But all sins are forgiven when you get deep into the cocktail menu. While the others on this list are focusing on perfecting the classics, and adding their own twists here and there – this is pure creation. The menu rotates pretty frequently, but if you ever have the chance to try a “Fightin’ Words”, do it.

Sandwiches

·         Fricano’s

o   They source all of their bread from Chuy’s Panaderia (possibly Austin’s best bakery). They do some really funky things with Boar’s Head ingredients and a tiny little shop in the middle of nowhere in north campus. I’ve used these guys for catering at Bazaarvoice about a billion times, and everyone loves it. The Cajun Turkey and the Double Ham Tapenade deserve mention, as do the homemade cookies.

·         Noble Pig

o   The name “Fat Kid Field Trip” was actually coined here, as Fat Eddie, Anu, and I were leaving the restaurant. Eddie claimed “next time you guys go on a fat kid field trip, give me a call.” The rest, as they say, is history. The owner and chef makes everything by hand. Seriously everything. Homemade bread, house cured hams and sausages, house roasted turkey, homemade pickles, homemade potato salad and cole slaw, homemade mayo, homemade mustard, etc etc etc. The namesake sandwich, the Noble Pig is spicy ham, pulled pork, provolone, and bacon, then grilled, with a light slathering of the most amazing mustard. Divine. The Smoked Duck Pastrami with Russian dressing and rye pickles is revelatory.

Steaks

Look – I’m just going to list the steakhouses. There’s really not much to say about a good steakhouse. They serve you an overpriced steak, but cook it perfectly, and give the option for some sides. Most places butcher those sides (mashed potatoes really aren’t that hard to perfect, guys). All of them have amazing wine menus, some better than the others. Here’s where I go to eat a steak when my company pays for it. Otherwise, I’m just gonna buy the steak I want and do it better for a fraction of the price at home. I must say, however, the wine list at III Forks is unbelievable.

·         III Forks

·         Austin Land and Cattle

·         Sullivan’s

Food Trailers

·         Eastside Kings

o   Both the locations, the original in the back of Liberty, and the one at the Grackle, are amazing. Steamed pork buns are absolutely amazing. Thai Chicken Karaage gives you a surprisingly large amount of food for next to nothing, and it’s delicious. I’ve yet to try the newest edition at Shangri-La, but hope to soon.

·         Pig Vicious

o   It’s a bacon trailer, dammit!

·         Gourdough’s

o   The Frankenstein monster of all donuts. They take a huge, freshly fried donut, and top it with anything you could possibly imagine. You eat one and you are done for the day. Granny’s Pie is my personal favorite, with bananas, pecans, graham cracker crumbles, and caramel sauce. It’s a freaking beast too.   

·         Peached Tortilla

o   Kickass little taco truck behind Star Bar doing some really interesting, nontraditional tacos. The banh mi taco and BBQ brisket tacos are definitely favorites. I’ve heard they have one of the best veggie tacos in town.

·         Coreanos / Chilantro

o   They’re basically the same thing. I think Chilantro may have a slight advantage. Korean BBQ tacos are freaking awesome. One of the few places I would actually recommend a tofu-anything, because they do it so damn well. And I was stuck eating it during SXSW on a Friday during lent and was really impressed. The fries, loaded with goodness, and covered in sauce are the real winners at both trucks.

Burgers / Bar Food

·         Jackalope

o   Best burger in Austin. It’s a fat burger, and on a good day, cooked to a perfect medium. It’s in one of my favorite dive bars anywhere, and the beer selection ain’t too shabby either. The chipotle bacon burger is about the only thing you need to know, with an order of waffle fries. On Wednesdays they do 2for1 burgers. Great freaking deal.

·         Your Mom’s Burgers

o   Some mad scientist had his way with these burgers. They stuff all of their burgers with some insane combination of cheese, meats, sauces, and then grill them and top them with some other insane combination of meats, sauces, and veg. It’s…insane. The Frida Kahlo – ½ lb burger stuffed with monterrey jack and chorizo, topped off w/ a fried egg, lettuce, tomato, onion, guacamole, & chipotle lime spread on a toasted bun. Yeah…

·         Frank

o   Gourmet dogs. A criminal obsession with topping waffle fries with all forms of awesomeness. Bacon infused makers and bacon infused Tito’s. I am a fat man. I pig the fuck out here.

·         Pluckers

o   Great wings. If you disagree, you don’t like wings. It’s also a great sports bar. This is my blog. It’s called Fat Kid Field Trip. The inclusion of Pluckers “The home of the freshmen 15” should be no surprise to you.

Italian:

Because I put my own cooking of Italian food on such a high pedestal, I rarely am happy eating Italian out. Italian food is just so simple to prepare it baffles me how often it is screwed up. And don’t even get me started about how hard it is to find good gnocchi or risotto…

·         Asti

o   Head and shoulders above the rest of the Italian food I have had in Austin. Great ambiance (modern, relaxed, albeit a bit loud), excellent preparation, reasonable prices for the quality. Asti is the only place on the planet that has a Caprese salad on par (or better) than Café de Flore on Boulevard Saint-Germain in Paris – knowing what sentimental value I have attached with that meal should tell you how mind-blowingly good the Caprese is at Asti.

·         Trattoria Lisina

o   Worth the drive to Driftwood. Located on the old Mandola Winery (I believe the winery has since been sold, but the restaurant remains), it is owned and operated by the same folks who started Mandola’s market, and Carrabbas – except they knock it out of the park. Their antipasto plate is pretty epic, and on 3 separate occasions there everything has been spot on. The veal marsala was a highlight. Beyond its lengthy drive from Austin and limiting hours, the biggest criticism I can give them is the décor and ambience. You always wish they would create the illusion it was something family owned, or built for something other than mass production. They do their best to hide the fact it is part of a chain, but if you pay attention you can tell the mastermind behind its design was thinking about maximizing tables and turns, rather than quality of experience.

·         Mandola’s

o   I love it for a “what can I get fast and relatively cheap” option. Nothing here is exceptional, but nothing is done poorly. You walk up to a counter, order food, and it’s delivered to your number rather quickly. Not much more to it, but I feel it deserves mention as the one affordable Italian option in town.

·         Enoteca Vespaio

o   Good, but overpriced. I have yet to go to their mother restaurant Vespaio, but it’s on the list of places to try. Solid food for sure.

Spanish:

·         Fino

o   Coincidentally owned by the same folks as Asti above, Fino is the only Spanish restaurant worth a shit in town. And from the few bites I’ve had, it’s quite good to spectacular (Chorizo Stuffed Medjool Dates). I’m head over heels in love with all things Spanish. I’m also really fucking good at cooking Spanish food, so if I can walk circles around you in the kitchen, why would I ever pay you 4x my costs to eat it at your restaurant? I have to applaud Fino, much like Asti for blowing me away from time to time in an area that is nearly impossible to impress me. 

The “Worth Reconsideration” List:

·         Franklin BBQ

o   Look, I’ve tried this place 4 times and had nothing but a mediocre BBQ experience in comparison with my Top 5 List. The brisket had the texture of meat pudding, the smoke flavor wasn’t pronounced enough for my taste, the ribs were good (but not great), the sausage was about the same, but the pulled pork was pretty awesome. Still better/best in Austin, but not nearly worth the rave reviews and hassle. If I’m going to wait 45+ minutes for ‘que there is no reason I won’t just hop in my car and drive to Lockhart/Luling. The Jackass at Bon Appetite calling it the Best BBQ in America needs to beaten mercilessly for that statement. BUT it’s been nearly a year, and some trusted BBQ sources have told me it’s gotten much better, and a lot of the issues I’ve spoken about have gone to the side. Look for a full posting the next time I take the leap of faith and set myself up for disappointment.

The “Stay the Fuck Away” List:

Overrated food. Over-priced to hell. Stuffy without reason. A gargantuan portion of food for next to nothing but still just isn’t that tasty. That’s how you get on this list. It’s also a 6000+ word post, and all of this enthusiasm needs to allow my snarkiness to come out somehow.

·         Ranch 616

o   WTF was this place thinking? I know they are trying to have the “Austin-chic” vibe, with the Virgin Mary painting hanging below a pair of Longhorns. But the food doesn’t need to resemble your décor. Who on earth wants a 16oz steak with a seafood taquito, covered in chili? No one. Especially when it’s in the $30 range. It wouldn’t be so bad if each of the individual components were phenomenal, but everything is so hit or miss you wonder what kind of stoner nightmare you’ve entered whenever you eat at Ranch 616. You know a restaurant is bad when you’ve had someone else pick up the tab every time you’ve eaten there and still walked away saying “wtf”. Great location, though.

·         Paggi House

o   Lost in time. This is a place that seems to have rested on its laurels for years, banking on an amazing patio, solid reputation, and phenomenal location. The interior is just plain odd, with some of the worst artwork I’ve seen in a while (that might just be personal bias). The service was abysmal during my last adventure, both slow and confused, with one waiter only dedicated to drink orders, while someone else entirely covered our food. My mushroom risotto was so bland and textureless it was nearly inedible. The risotto was nearly standing up it was so stiff (a cardinal sin, they need to “ooze”), and the “delicate” flavor of the mushrooms was nearly non-existent, although I could see the mushrooms which was nice. Dessert was pretty tasty though.

·         Maria, Maria

o   It’s a chain of restaurants owned by Carlos Santana. I shouldn’t be picking on this place, because you already know what you’re getting into before you sit down, but damn I want to discourage people from eating here. Walk the extra 3 blocks, shell out an additional $10 a head, and prepare for a mind-blowing experience at La Condesa instead.

·         Kenichi

o   All sizzle, no steak. This is sushi made for people who like to talk about eating at sushi restaurants more than the actual Sushi itself. For the guy who wants to impress the girl with the fancy restaurant with huge price tags and a sexy décor and mood lighting. And things like strawberries in a fucking sushi roll. This is for people who equate class with money. This is the restaurant for your Dallas crowd.

·         Zoot

o   A restaurant that just lacked soul. Technically proficient, the dishes were well executed. Over a 5 course tasting menu, the technical capabilities of the chefs was never in question. Perfect temperature on a steak, perfectly even and symmetrical slices of tomatoes, beautiful presentation, all of these things are the calling card of someone who takes their profession very seriously. Sadly, it all just seemed to be so half-assed in the flavor and originality department I started to wonder why on earth I drove nearly to Beecaves to eat there. When you lack salt, acid, flavor, across nearly every dish, but it’s technically flawless, I begin to wonder exactly why you are in a kitchen at all.

·         Juan in a Million

o   This ought to ruffle some feathers. It’s just not that good. Come clean – if the Don Juan was $5, $6, $7, would there be the cult following for the food? If you answer yes, I question your taste. If you answer no, you see why I really loathe this place. Instead of paying $3.25 for a mediocre Don Juan, I’d just as rather pay ~$5 for two Torchy’s breakfast tacos and get about the same volume of food, just better in every way possible. So much better I’d argue they aren’t even playing the same game. And if you’re like me, and foolishly ordered a non Don Juan menu item in the past, you might be wondering why on earth they even have a menu.

·         Madam Mams

o   I get it. It’s on the drag, and it’s cheap. And there isn’t really much/any Thai food in Austin. But much like Vietnamese food, Thai food is all about freshness of ingredients and balance of flavors. You want the freshness of everything you are eating to just sing at you. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve ever had at Madam Mams that embraces that dedication to freshness. Stay away from their curry. Its bad news bears. Much like the rest of their menu.

Once again, I’m pretty awful at this blogging thing. This is way longer than any blog should ever be. Maybe next time I’ll break it out?

Thanks for stickin with me, crew.

-Dutch