Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Field Trippin to San Francisco and Vegas

Fat Kids -


Thanks for sticking with me. I know there’s been an uncomfortable amount of radio silence lately, and I apologize for that (notice a recurring theme anyone?). I published my magnum opus last time around in the Dutchie Does Dining piece, which thanks to some props from the lovely Chloe Chiang, the impeccable La Condesa, and my CMO, has accounted for almost half the traffic volume this blog has ever received. Thanks, y’all! So you may (or may not) be wondering, where’s Dutchie been? What’s he been eating/drinking/cooking as of late? What kind of field trips has he been taking?

August was a pretty amazing and exhausting month for the fat kid field tripper. I started the month with a trip to San Francisco, got to play tour guide for LouLou for a week, spent a weekend in Vegas, got to play tour guide for LouLou and Ben for the next week, and then headed to San Francisco (for work) once again, for a week. I’ve spent the last month recovering from this booze and food filled adventure, and will be embarking on another month of insanity in October between OU weekend, two bachelor parties (one in NOLA), KMFBrix visiting town, and Halloween. Enough foreplay, on to the main event.

Editor’s note: I’m writing this with a tall glass of Talisker (my all-time favorite Scotch) accompanying a piece of Truluck’s Carrot Cake (Austin’s best dessert) and listening to some Pharaoh Sanders and John Coltrane. There may be a bit of euphoria flowing through me on this random weeknight. Excuse the hyperbole that is to follow; and the rather detailed description of 16 some restaurants…

San Francisco – Round 1

My younger brother (The Freshman) was going off to his first semester of college, so we decided we had to plan a trip. One of our favorite bands, and the best damn live band I’ve still ever seen (it’s all about stage energy folks), was breaking up, and their final show was to be played on a Sunday in August in San Francisco. It was settled, we would fly to San Francisco early on Friday, stay through Monday, and eat our way through the city…making sure to refrain from passing out just long enough to catch the show. Our flight arrived at close to 10am on Friday morning, and we hopped the BART to our hotel, the Historic Palace Hotel – which we got at $20 less than the Best Western (God Bless Hotwire.com). I had finagled a business meeting with a vendor of mine to take place at a restaurant, and got the guy’s company to pick up the tab. For lunch, we chose the landmark R&G Lounge in Chinatown.
 
R&G Lounge, as you may have seen on the No Reservations - San Francisco episode, is a rock solid Chinese restaurant near the edge of Chinatown. It fits all of the criteria for a place you want to be eating Chinese food at: You see a ton of Chinese people there (and in this case, not just Chinese Americans), the place is CONSTANTLY busy, and the service is pretty horrible (seriously, if the service is good, they’ve sold out and gotten to Americanized). 


The Freshman, the businessman, and myself show up, and they ask if we mind being seated at a table with other people. Being from Texas, and frequenting BBQ joints and the like, this doesn’t seem all too strange. Then they take us upstairs, and set us at one of those massive round tables that serves like 10 people, with like 3 other parties of diners; very strange, especially when talking business for a portion of the meal. The house specialty is a Salt & Pepper Crab, which is basically a ginormous crab that’s lightly battered in a salt and pepper batter, and deep fried. So simple, but here…it’s divine. You get it all over the place, and you’re covered in grease by the end (you still need to break apart the shell), but it’s totally worth it. The “Three Treasures with Black Bean Sauce” is another must – essentially it’s eggplant, peppers, and tofu that are all roasted, stuffed with some awesome shrimp filling, and covered in a black bean sauce. Naturally sweet, texturally contrasting, and sometimes slightly spicy, it’s a winner.

We finished the lunch, and wandered around for a while. I think we might have went shopping and explored Union Square before heading back to the hotel and passing out in an MSG induced coma. I don’t really remember to be all that honest.

Our next meal took us to meeting up with KMFBrix, Dan, and Ota at Foreign Cinema in the Mission. A strong recommendation by KMFBrix, it ended up being the best meal I had that trip for a number of reasons. The ambiance of the restaurant is a major allure – it’s located in a sketchy looking part of the Mission, actually on Mission, in an abandoned movie theater. At night, they play old/eclectic movies on this giant wall in the back (it’s actually 60% open air seating, with giant windows everywhere else). I’ve also read somewhere it’s a Chez Panisse spinoff, which is always a plus. The cocktail menu was absurd, and I believe it’s all changed since we were last there, but I do distinctly remember one of the heavily Amaro flavored cocktails tasting like cough syrup.


Anywho – the food was a real knockout. KMFBrix and I split some oysters (it is important to point out she really enjoys “creamy” oysters), and the table had ordered some mussels (divine) and a seared squid with romesco. Not a negative word to be said about any. For entrees I got the mixed grill (lamb, pork belly, quail, and some other random awesomeness), and I believe KMFBrix did as well. We kinda won at life that night, as we certainly had the best entrees, with The Freshman’s order of risotto being the most disappointing. Note to anyone reading this blog – if you’ve had my risotto, never order it at a restaurant. You will walk away disappointed – restaurants just can’t do it right. Dessert was pretty fantastic as well – a highlight was the crazy interpretation they did of a s’more with a homemade passionfruit marshmallow or some such nonsense. Drinks at the adjoining Laszlo bar are also highly encouraged – although there are cooler places in the Mission to grab a drink.

The next morning, The Freshman and I wake up and walk to the Saturday Morning Farmer’s Market at the Ferry Building. For those not in the know, the Ferry Building…well used to be a Ferry Building. It’s on the bay (Duh) and ferries make frequent stops there. The inside has been renovated/decked out with a bajillion food stalls, selling everything from pickles to cheese to mushrooms to gourmet meats, seafoods, wines, etc. It’s a foodie’s heaven – you can get most anything you would want or need, and better quality than you can expect to find anywhere else. Outside on Saturdays they also have a farmer’s market that is something truly spectacular. Imagine the bounty of the Bay Area’s finest produce and vendors, put them mere feet outside the world famous Ferry Building, and you get my drift. 



The Freshman and I did the only logical thing one should do – plan a picnic, buy an inordinate amount of food and a good bottle of wine, and take it to Golden Gate park. Amongst our stops that day were Baccalone (Chris Cosentino of Food Network fame’s cured pig parts stall), Cowgirl Creamery (unfriggin believable cheeses), an Empanada dealer (best I’ve ever had), a great bakery, a wine shop, and a few of the local produce vendors. The bottle of Oakville Zin we purchased might have been the only California wine we drank the entire trip (an absolute shame, I know), and a steal for $20. A quick $15 cab ride, and we were smack dab in the middle of 50 foot trees, having a picnic in Golden Gate Park. Life cannot be more grand.


KMFBrix met up with us later at the Palace Hotel. After trying to figure out what the hell to do until we were to meet with my Catalan buddies who were randomly in town (and Senora Winslow), we walked down to 21st Amendment Brewery for some good local beer and a snack. Located just a few blocks from AT&T Park, the bar was slammed with Giants fans who were lingering around after the game. 21st Amendment produces a good variety of brews (also sold in bottles outside of their brewpub), their USB Extra Special Bitter being my favorite. Some funny confrontations took place when one ultra-drunk guy ordered a Watermelon Heffe and had his manhood questioned by some other ultra-drunk guys. Word to the wise, just don’t drink Watermelon Heffe unless you plan on leaving your mancard at home.

Fast forward past a few glasses of Jameson, one Louis CK comedy special, and KMFBrix almost falling asleep, we catch a quick cab ride to Ryoko’s Sushi to meet up with the Catalans and Senora Winslow. Located in that precocious area of San Francisco resting between Union Square and the Tenderloin, it’s definitely a “dive” sushi bar. You go down a set of stairs, and are hit by the DJ mixing music and generally hot and humid environment you are entering. I remember a lengthy wait, all 12 of us being crammed in a tiny room in the back, a ton of laughs, a ton of sake bombs, a pretty awesome neuken in de keuken conversation…but not much else before heading home. Come here for cheap sushi, tons of sake bombs, and an overall good time. Wouldn’t be the top of my “take a date to a sushi restaurant” list, unless that’s her thing. Well – actually, that should probably be her thing, or else she may suck as a person.

The next morning, The Freshman and I meet up with GoogleBrittany, who had recently moved from Austin to work for Google in the Bay Area. She rocks, but is a vegetarian. Those people frighten me – how a person cannot give in to the awesome power that is pork (or other awesome meats), is totally beyond me. We toured the MOMA in the morning, and went to Yank Sing for some authentic Dim Sum. 



The wait, at about 12:30 was about 30 minutes long, but well worth it. I don’t feel the need to elaborate when I can simply say that everything they served me was pretty close to being the best interpretation of that dish I’ve ever had…and that certainly includes nibbles of GoogleBrittany’s veggie dishes. It’s a Dim Sum restaurant that does enough business it can remain open 7 days a week for lunch, and doubles its seating capacity during the weekends. It’s a James Beard award winning Dim Sum restaurant. It’s that good...and that expensive.  The soup dumplings and shrimp dumplings were the two absolute winners, however.

Dinner the night of the concert subsisted of Hubert Keller’s Burger Bar – located near the top of the Macy’s Flagship Store in Union Square. Hubert Keller – TV chef of Fleur de Lys fame, is the owner of Burger Bar – and I must say, it’s a mighty fine burger and fries. But also wickedly expensive. Oddly, even with the perfectly cooked burger, the zucchini fries with ranch dressing were the real standouts.

Monday morning The Freshman and I wake up in a state of disarray. Our ears are still ringing, bodies bruised and beaten from the pit and the concert, dehydrated to the extreme, but surprisingly not hungover in the least. Taking GoogleBrittany’s advice, that of Setherton, that of a billion of my other foodie friends, and basically everyone on Yelp, we ventured back to the Mission to check out Tartine Bakery. Let me say this: any restaurant good enough to warrant over 3,000 reviews on Yelp and still be consistently ranked as one of the best restaurants in a city this crazed over food is worth the trip. Best.Breakfast.Ever. You may feel saturated with butter or cream afterwards. It’s normal. You may be wondering WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A 30 MINUTE WAIT ON A MONDAY AT 10AM?!?! DON’T YOU FUCKING MISSION HIPSTERS HAVE JOBS? SHOULDN’T YOU BE GROWING A MUSTACHE OR TRYING TO BRING BACK SHITTY DEAD FASHION SOMEPLACE ELSE?



These are all logical and continuous thoughts when heading to Tartine. And then the moment hits: you order a ham and gruyere croissant, or croque monsieur, or whatever, and as soon as it is in your hands you just forget. It’s massive. Fucking UGE (so huge it doesn’t need an H). And so tremendously tender and flaky. And they only use the best cheese and ham and tomatoes and whatever else they put in it. And you devour it. And bask in the perfection that was everything they bake at Tartine.

If you are normal, following a Tartine pig-out you walk a few miles and try to lose all the butterfat before true lethargy sets in. But if you are a true fat kid like The Freshman and I, you stroll around the adjacent Delores Park until Bi-Rite Creamery opens up, and get the best.ice.cream.ever. I almost felt guilty for having just eaten what probably equated to 1200 calories for breakfast, and then followed it up by sitting outside of an ice cream shop at 10:50am on a cloudy 58 degree Monday, waiting 10 minutes for it to open. That was until I saw the velvet ropes they had set up that wrap around the block…preparing for the onslaught they knew they would later have. We walk in, as the first customers of the day, and sample everything they have. Sampling not just flavors, but combinations. Did I mention they serve their samples to you in actual, reusable spoons (pretty cool/ ecofriendly)? I finally settled on a mixture of the Salted Caramel and Burnt Vanilla (which contained peanut brittle for awesome texture)? Ice Cream Perfection. Sorry Amy’s…I still love you, but you aren’t quite playing the same game.

Following truly fat kid kind of morning, The Freshman and I just walk, for probably a good 90 minutes or so. I don’t remember where we started (Union Square?), but we ended up at the famous Lombard Street, took some pictures, and caught a taxi to Cotogna for the last meal of the trip. What a meal it was. Recommended by LC – it’s a kickass little Italian joint in Jackson Square with a wood fired oven that cranks out pizza and homemade pastas. After such a heavy breakfast we stuck with a few light menu options – a cold squid, mint, and chili salad that was to die for, some “pole beans” (green beans) with a pomodoro that was surreal in its tangy sweetness and perfectly al dente texture, and a homemade gnocchi. The highlight of the meal for me was actually a summer Aperol spritzer that had some form of homemade rhubarb (or was it strawberry?) bitters, and an infused smoke flavor. The most refreshing cocktail I’ve ever had – perfectly balanced between effervescent, crisp, and mildly sweet all at once.

So concluded a fantastic trip to San Francisco that left me fat, hungover, broke, and exhausted. A few short days later, LouLou arrived from London, and I immediately go back onto a diet consisting of Polvo’s, Taco Deli, Torchy’s, and Asia Café for a week. We then fly out to Vegas on a late night flight on Friday, and return on a redeye on Sunday Night/Monday Morning and proceed to go to work the next day. Brutal, but epic.

Las Vegas

Vegas is a dangerous place for a man like me. Most anywhere is a dangerous place for a man like me. Instead of saying “Go big or go home” I prefer the mantra “Go big, then go home”. Any city with great food, great drinking, great culture, great nightlife, and gambling is too much for me to handle. So I just go overboard. Fortunately for me, Lady Luck was smiling on me during this trip and I walked away from an epic afternoon at the poker tables covering most every expense on my trip, and never lost a penny beyond that point. But I digress…

Immediately after arriving in Vegas, and checking into our rooms, LouLou and I made the short jaunt over to The Cosmopolitan hotel for our 9:45 reservations at Scott Conant’s Scarpetta. First let me start by saying that even in Vegas, The Cosmopolitan is gaudy. Like over the top, WTF, I can’t believe they let someone build this monstrosity gaudy. And in Vegas, that’s a fucking awesome thing. It was actually a bit confusing trying to find the restaurant on a first glance, but once we did, it was beautifully nestled in its own little nook overlooking the Bellagio and the Strip. Of course LouLou got the view of the strip at the table, while I got to stare at the open kitchen. I think we were both happier that way.



The meal was sublime, the service was excellent, and the attention to detail was pretty staggering considering we were on the late shift and they serve an insane amount of clientele at this place. We started with an heirloom tomato salad, and seared scallops with wild mushrooms. The heirloom tomatoes were excellent, but the scallops were absolutely mind blowing. A perfectly seared scallop is a thing of beauty, and texturally one of nature’s great wonders, but paired with fresh porcini’s and sunchokes, it elevated that most perfectly cooked scallop to a whole new level. LouLou stuck with a homemade tagliatelle in a white truffle cream sauce with spring vegetables, the smell alone was intoxicating. I went the ultimate fat kid route and tried the uber-rich, uber-delicious fresh ravioli with duck and foie gras. It tasted exactly like it sounded, and the pillowy texture, with the slightly chewy pasta was remarkable.  Having neither the energy nor the stomach we skipped desert and went to gamble.

Venturing over to Aria, we sat down at a Pai Gow table and milked the free drinks and low risk game for a few hours. During a trip back from the bathroom LouLou was approached by a gentleman of about 45-50, with a thick mustache, who tapped her on the shoulder and said “Excuse me miss, have we met before? You look so familiar”. After a quick 30 second discussion (they had never met), he tells LouLou “I just won $125,000 tonight. Can I buy you a drink?”. LouLou pats him on the shoulder and says “No. But good for you” and sits back down to a $25 minbet game. Story of the weekend for sure.

Saturday was a pretty chill day: shopping, winning money at the poker table, and poolside before heading back to The Cosmopolitan for dinner at Jose Andres’ Jaleo followed by Diplo playing at The Marquee Nightclub. As a quick side note, Jose Andres is a hero of mine. As much as I love Spain, he loves talking about it, sharing it, and teaching people to cook Spanish food more than I could begin to tell you. I DVR all of the guy’s PBS shows. Yeah, I’m a little bit of a freak/nerd, so sue me. It was SLAMMED in Jaleo when we showed up at 7:45 for our reservation.



They brought out a funky iPad for their cocktail and wine menu, which I had never seen before. Before I get much further, I feel compelled to tell you that I was not at all impressed with Jaleo. The weirdness started when we tried to order a bottle of Cava and they almost brought it out in a Porron. For the uninitiated, check out my Calçot post. Next they served us a “patatas bravas” that was basically a potato chip with a bit of brava sauce and some alioli. Not cool, Jose. They also had the audacity to serve us Jamon Iberico de Bellota (the best jamon on earth), sliced with a meat slicer (as opposed to the traditional long knife), and charge us $20+ for what must have amounted to about .05lbs. The scallop with romesco was good, but the romesco lacked umph (surprising, considering I use a slightly modified romesco recipe from Jose for my own), and the scallop just didn’t compare to Scarpetta the night before. The Croquetta de Jamon was probably the best I’ve ever had however, and while I was disappointed, I can’t say anything they served wasn’t tasty – just didn’t meet expectations. I’m still chomping at the bit to try the “secret” restaurant called “e” located in the back. 

We finished up dinner and walked down to Marquee. After seeing multiple sprawling lines; one for VIPs, one for Bottle Service, a few for Guest List, and some line for  randoms, I figured we had no shot of getting in. Little did I understand the power a beautiful woman in Vegas commands, or LouLou’s superstealth club skills. In 5 minutes we had walked to the front of every line and were inside. An unnamed watcher of said events later made a comment along the lines of “How on earth did you make it inside in 5 MINUTES?!?!?” We flew back to Austin the next evening with no real awesome food stories to speak of.

San Francisco - Round 2

Round two to San Francisco was for business, but of course you know I ate well. One of the top 5 meals of my life took place on this trip, as did a number of other great meals and adventures.

We started the fat kid field trip with 5 of us grabbing lunch on Monday at Monk’s Kettle in the Mission. Renowned for their beer selection, think of Monk’s Kettle the same way you would think about a great wine bar. You’re there to drink wine. They built everything on the menu to compliment the wine. On its own, the wine is more than enough, but the badass food (and not just snacks) takes everything to a whole new level.



The beers are expensive, but not easy to find anywhere else. The food is brilliantly prepared, and really does compliment the beer. Joy and I were already a beer (or was it two?) in before the rest of the party arrived, and had polished off a round of fried oysters with tabasco aioli and some of the “beer nuts” (chili and sugar roasted hazelnuts). The whole table (practically) ordered the burger, which was spectacular.  Sampling a few options, the Yellowtail Kolsch was certainly my favorite beer I tried that afternoon.

I met up with KMFBrix later that night for dinner at Flour + Water, also in the Mission. Asahole had seen the restaurant in a recent article, exclaiming it as one of the 10 best places to eat a Pizza in the US. I’d also heard great things about it from LC and her boyfriend Foote, so we met up around 7pm. If I haven’t mentioned yet, KMFBrix is one of the few people (women especially) who embraces the Fat Kid mantra as enthusiastically as I do. Fat Kid is not so much a physical state as it is a mental one – the main purpose/pleasure in life is the next and the best food/beverage manageable. We waited for upwards of an hour for our two-top, and were seated at the end of a massive communal dining table, against the window. I’ve since read, and heard, that Flour + Water is the hardest reservation in all of San Francisco – and based on the steady influx of people in this tiny eatery, it’s very believable. Again – such high expectations resulted in an overall great but mildly disappointing meal. The company couldn’t have been better, but the pizza just lacked that “holy shit” factor that we expected. The starter, an heirloom tomato salad, and the fresh pasta with braised pork, were certainly up to par with Flour + Water’s reputation. I would certainly go back if I was able to snag a reservation, but would stick to the pasta as opposed to the pizza.

Joy and I made a trip to Tartine Bakery the next morning. She didn’t have the heart to tell me she was skeptical that any croissant could be “that good” as I was hyping it up. And then she had it. And admitted, “holy shit, this really is that good”. We also sampled the bread pudding. That was…excessive.

After a full day of Dreamforce sessions, the crew met up at a hotel and decided to go to Betelnut for dinner. While I had booked reservations earlier in the week for 4, I kept calling and expanding it by 1 or 2 people until we had a table of 8. A strong recommendation from a coworker, Betelnut’s Asian Inspired menu was a big hit that night. The food at Betelnut spans almost every cuisine in East Asia (which are all markedly different form one another), and embraces a bit of that tongue-in-cheek tiki bar mentality. It’s difficult to pinpoint where they are being serious, and where they are being ironic (or merely entertaining). The cocktails, while borrowing from that Polynesian / Cantonese thing from decades gone by, offers up one of the best Mojito’s I’ve ever had…and a Thai bird chili cocktail that was pretty epic. The table of 8 must have tried every other menu item, and was at worst, happy with everything ordered. The standouts included the suckling pork (a Tuesday special?), cumin lamb, wagyu beef noodles, Szechuan green beans, and pork belly with scallion pancakes. Overall it was a very enjoyable, very fun, and very satisfying meal, especially for our large party. The fact we took a limo both ways, and got to see Cake play a free show after (in front of ~200 people) didn’t hurt either.

 

Wednesday night Asahole, Joy, Char, and I went to Town Hall in SOMA for what can only be described as one of the top 5 meals of my life. If you’ve made it this far (I think I’m around 4500 words already), it doesn’t get any better than this. To help clarify – I’m the same guy who thinks Taco Deli is his favorite restaurant in Austin. I’m not the kind to praise classiness for classiness’s sake. I’m also not ashamed to spend $$$ when necessary. High end comfort food may be the best way to describe my sweet spot. My favorite meal of all time (by quite a bit) was at Momofuku Ko in NYC – essentially a combination of Korean and French soul food, elevated to 3 star Michelin levels. What Town Hall does so well is take Southern American Cuisine (with particular influence from New Orleans), and runs it through a mastermind Modern American Chef’s mind. The result hits me perfectly in my sweet spot. The best ingredients, prepared most precisely, in a manner that makes a fat kid weak in the knees.


Besides the best Manhattan I’ve had in a very long time, the 4 of us split a bunch of appetizers, 3 entrees, and basically all of the sides. Tuna tartare served with fried green tomatoes and a tabasco vinaigrette: Are you fucking kidding me? How has no one else thought of this before? How have I not had this before? Superb tuna, impeccable fried green tomatoes, a slightly sweet, spicy, and acidic sauce. I’m salivating just writing this. Buttermilk biscuits with red pepper jelly and prosciutto: a perfect biscuit, with ridiculously high quality butter, a red pepper jelly of legend, and amazing salty prosciutto. Possibly the perfect breakfast / late night drunk snack ever, but I will never know that joy. Veal meatballs with potato puree: the best meatball I’ve ever had, and a creamy potato puree below. Unbeatable. Braised oxtail with I don’t remember: Do I look like the type of man to ever turn down or complain about perfectly braised oxtail? For the mains, we had the buttermilk fried chicken, St Louis ribs, and a pork chop. For sides, we had the tater tots, crispy okra, jambalaya, and padron chilies. The pork chop, chilies, and jambalaya can be described as “really really” good. The rest can likely be described as “I want to eat this until it kills me” good.  Perfectly fried chicken – so moist and flavorful, yet crunchy you wonder how it’s possible. A rib unlike anything we do in Texas, but perfectly balanced between smokey, sweet, tender, and crispy. Asahole nearly passed out from excitement upon eating the first bite. Best tater tot I’ve ever encountered is no exaggeration. It was more like a crispy potato croquette, creamy in the middle, structurally sound and crispy on the outside. The fried okra rivaled Perla’s in insane awesomeness. Dessert then blew us away. The coffee and doughnuts were reminiscent of Café Du Monde, and the butterscotch and chocolate pot de crème is un-fuck-wit-able. Just go. Drop what you are doing right now and go. Order what I said, or maybe some other things – they will all be excellent. What the fuck are you still reading this for? Unless you can make it to Momofuku Ko or El Celler de Can Roca more easily (you can’t), this is your best chance at dining perfection in the near term future.

The last night of Dreamforce (and our trip) concluded with dinner at Delfina Pizzeria, and as you guessed, it was in the Mission. Located next to Bi-Rite Grocery, a stone’s throw from Tartine, this was another Setherton recommendation we couldn’t pass up. Joy, Asahole, GoogleBrittany and I met up and had what I believe to be one of the 2-3 best pizzas I’ve ever encountered. Mind you, this was after an approximately 2 hour wait, although at least 45 minutes of that was our fault as we were over at Bi-Rite drinking some cool beers from Russian River Brewing Company that you can’t find in Texas. The pizzas at Delfina most closely resemble the Neapolitan style pizza - in Austin the only place comparable would be Backspace.



It’s all about a well-made crust (a bit crispier than an NYC style pie, but droopier in the center, yet still chewy), balanced flavors, and the highest quality ingredients. Their take on a watermelon and feta salad with mint, chili, and grape tomatoes deserves some high praise.  We ordered two pizzas, a broccoli raab pizza, and a guincale and escarole pizza. Both scored in the 9-10 out of 10 ballpark.

The trip ended the next afternoon, but we had one final stop as a group at R&G Lounge before heading to the airport. It’s worth noting that the Chef’s Beef, and Chow Mein (what we commonly call Lo Mein) were home runs, on top of my normal selection. My only real disappointment was the inability to make it to Rickhouse for a bourbon or two. It’s one of the few bars that’s a MUST stop for me the next time I’m in town.

After writing another 5000+ word post on food and drink I just realized I spend most of my free time thinking about food and drink, talking about food and drink, writing about food and drink, and most importantly, consuming food and drink. I had a friend come into town recently and came to the revelation that every vacation I take, every time I show off my city to new people, it’s always a question of “where can we go eat and drink” and “what can we do that can pass the time between eating and drinking?” While I know that not everyone functions like I do, I feel like every city, every culture, every people, have an innate need to come together so they can eat, drink, and be merry. Or maybe they do those things so they have an excuse to come together. And the best (or worst) of any city can be explored via the establishments that offer you the ability to eat, drink, and be merry. San Francisco may allow me an infinite number of possibilities to experience and espouse about its goodness, but with the right guidance any city worth a shit can show off what makes it fun, unique, and amazing. It just takes the guide and enthusiasm, which is entirely why I wrote the Dutchie Does Dining post – to share with everyone how I see and experience the best of Austin. If you’ve made it this far, I challenge you to do the same for others whenever you can. I’m sure they would be more than willing to pay that kindness forward for you some other time.

-The Dutchman

































Sunday, July 24, 2011

Dutchie Does Dining: A List of Austin’s Best

Dutchie Does Dining: A List of Austin’s Best

So I’ve realized I’m pretty bad at this blogging thing; maybe not the content thing (you can be the judge of that), but consistency and dedication portion. For those of you who continue to read – love you, despite leaving you high and dry for about a month at a time.

As a self-proclaimed cultural ambassador to Austin, and a Fat Kid, I feel the need to pimp out my favorite places to grub and grab a drink. I’m going to be an asshole and say I have a rather sophisticated and discerning palate. To me, this means I turn my nose up to some things. To me, those things are poorly executed, clumsily thought out, and sloppily prepared meals and dishes; meals and dishes that lack creativity, fundamentals, or love for food, technique, and ingredients. This does not mean that I do not enjoy simple food, inexpensive food, or restaurants where ambiance is clearly lacking. It is quite the opposite – if you choose to prepare simple food, inexpensive food, or concentrate on things other than ambiance in your restaurant, all the better. My critique for these places will focus solely on the food; so make sure it’s plentiful, satisfying, and goddamn delicious. On the other side of the fence, I need to steal/paraphrase a bit from my hero Anthony Bourdain and say “sometimes it just feels really fucking good to drop an unreasonable amount of money on a meal”. But I’ll be dammed if the demands don’t increase proportionally with the price – if I’m spending north of $30-$50 per head including booze it better be worth every penny.

 This is not meant to be an all-inclusive review of every restaurant in town that I have eaten at. With a few very notable exceptions, go to Fearless Critic for that. Their critics and I share many of the same feelings on enjoyment, quality, and value of a meal, and I find their ranking system pretty indicative of my own. I know there are a few places notably missing from this list…simply because I’ve never been. So if you have been, and wonder “why in the hell isn’t [Mulberry/Barley Swine/Etc] on the list?”, give me a reason to go!

On to the List…

The Top 5:

 1) Taco Deli
·         In a city with great food, how does a casual breakfast/lunch place, serving tacos make the top of the list? They do it by making everything on their menu unbelievably good, and some things truly exceptional…and doing it day in and day out with the same high standards. On TD’s worst day, I still walk away absolutely satisfied, knowing I probably won’t eat better than that the rest of the day. To clarify – while I adore TD’s breakfast taco’s (the Otto in particular), it’s the lunch menu that really shines. The Cowboy Taco, with a slathering of the (should be world famous) Doña sauce, is absolutely perfect. It’s what I crave about Austin when I’ve been away for a while, and frankly one of the 2-3 best things to eat in all of Austin. Other standouts include many of their daily specials: The Delibelly (braised pork belly taco with a Serrano pico, honey glaze, and fat slice of avocado), the Scallop Taco (who lives in the same ethereal realm as the Cowboy), and the Ceviche Taco. Throw a dart at the menu, you’ll find something you like, something you love, and something you can’t live without. Some of the best Queso in Austin as well, and a mean Agua Fresca. If you eat here, and don’t get why I love it so much, we have some pretty serious issues to work out.

 2) Asia Café

·         #2 on my list is another restaurant with the ambiance only a strip center and undecorated walls can provide? The food is just that good. Asia Café, located off of 183 and Spicewood, is one of the few reasons I choose to drive north of 183 and Mopac with any frequency. It used to be located in the back of an Asian grocery store, Asia Market, and became so popular they decided to buy the store next door and open a full-fledged restaurant. You walk in, pick up a menu (or read from the board), order your food, grab a number, and wait for a dude to scream out your number in English and then something indecipherable in Mandarin. But in all honesty, you could give a shit less about ambiance when the food arrives. It’s real Chinese food, as opposed to your standard Americanized menu of lemon chicken or beef with broccoli. The “spicy fish” is an unknown white fish, battered and fried, and swimming in a chili and chili oil sauce, topping a mound of sautéed bok choy and other veggies. My favorite dish in all of Austin. Check Yelp – I can’t remember the last time there was a review about the place without talking about how fucking insane the Spicy Fish is. Other must orders on the list include Asia Eggplant (sweet, gingery stewed eggplant dish served in a hotpot, with minced pork), the Singapore Noodles (egg, pork, crawfish, and shrimp, stir-fried with hair thin rice noodles, and an unbelievably spicy sauce), and their lo-meins. Get a big group, have everyone order one dish, and split it up. It’s the best way to enjoy the best Chinese food in Austin, and my 2nd favorite restaurant.

3)      3) La Condesa
·         Sexy. Possibly the best way to describe La Condesa. The food is elegant and tantalizing, and the décor is chic. The soundtrack busts out everything from Manu Chao to Phoenix, and the crowd usually seems to be hip, well dressed, and in the mood for a good time. The drinks are strong but go down like water. The tequila menu rivals most wine menus in terms of breadth and selection.  They lay claim to the best house margarita on planet earth. What La Condesa does right is sort of a reinvention/modernization of Mexican cuisine. They take the spirit of great Mexican food and elevate it to something sophisticated and even more delicious. Freshness, quality of ingredients, and attention to detail set this place apart, and make it truly my favorite fine dining spot in Austin. Starting a meal at La Condesa must include one of their many amazing ceviches. The freshness of the fish, the quality of ingredients, and the balance of flavors make the La Condesa Ceviches unbeatable. The Acapulco is more of your “standard” ceviche, but balanced superbly, so the flavor and texture of the fish, as opposed to the citrus or salsa, shines. My personal favorite, the Vuelve a la Vida (Come back to Life) resembles more of a “shrimp cocktail” at a traditional Mexican restaurant, but elevates it to a whole new level with at least 4 different types of seafood and a smoky tomato based broth, sweetened by horseradish. Although the chips and salsas are not complimentary, it’s well worth the order. 4 different varieties (2 green, 2 red) are presented, each pureed into a silky flavorful sauce, with the smoky morita chili based salsa being my favorite. Every time I have been to La Condesa I have been floored by every item on the menu, but the Scallop entrée and Pato con Mole Negro are pure bliss. Whatever you do, don’t leave without at least one order of the Elotes. Their take on Mexican street corn is unbeatable…almost worth a trip just for that. And a house marg or two.

4)      4) Uchi/Uchiko
·         What can I say that hasn’t already been said about Austin’s most famous restaurant(s)? They source the best fish in town. They prepare it better than anywhere in town. They aren’t really a sushi restaurant on the one hand, and on the other hand they are the best sushi restaurant in town by a mile. I love what they do with food, and want to see what else Tyson Cole will have in store for Austin in the coming years. Give me a couple hundred bucks to spend, a foodie to dine with, and I’m in heaven. And make sure to keep the hotate coming in a constant rotation. 

5)      5) Foreign and Domestic
·         I lost a bet on the world cup final, and had to take Leach out to a dinner of his choice. We were considering Uchiko, but decided to try something new. My first experience at Foreign and Domestic included 6 appetizers, 2 entrees, 2 desserts, and 2 bottles of wine. I left that meal arguing it was the best dining experience I’d ever had in Austin, and about a year later I can’t really argue with it. F&D does a rotating menu of bold dishes with even bolder flavors. There is very little subtlety about the place – but the atmosphere is relaxed, the service is great, and the food is rich and plentiful. If you’re into weird cuts of animals or interesting ways to eat fats, this is the place to be. Crispy tongue, heart tartare, whipped lardo, and foie appetizers are as good as they get, but could be construed as overly rich for some. A rotating menu of entrees showcases some very bold flavors, and I have opted to the seafood options with great success. Dine here with some foodies, and you will have a blast. Those with more reserved palates may have a harder time here.

The “Just Missed the Cut” List:

Spectacular: good enough for separate recognition, but still can’t throw my top 5 off their pedestal.

·         Perla’s
o   Best oyster bar in Austin. Fantastic cocktails. Incredibly fresh seafood, prepared expertly. They don’t take too many risks here, mainly because they don’t have to…this is my go-to spot in Austin when I get a seafood craving (as opposed to sushi). Was bumped from my top 5 after La Condesa entered the picture. When the weather isn’t too hot, one of my favorite Austin past-times is enjoying a few cocktails on the patio, with a plate of oysters, simply basking in the South Congress vibe.

·         Parkside
o   Another excellent seafood restaurant, with a HUGE selection of oysters. At times their food can be a bit too sweet for me, but I attribute that to a bad day as opposed to a recurring theme. I certainly prefer the cocktails and location at Perlas to Parkside, but the food is certainly on par.

·         Jeffrey’s
o   Classssy food. High end American with an Austin twist, done in a converted house in Clarksville. The décor is a bit weird, and seems like it hasn’t changed much from the 80s, but they really crank out some excellent food. Their Oysters Octavia are deep fried nuggets of gold.

·         Hudson’s On the Bend
o   I had a lot of firsts at Hudson’s. My first tasting menu. My first wine pairing. My first taste of foie. I’ve been back a few times, and had mixed results, but that tasting menu was simply to die for. Seared foie gras is just a thing of beauty, and they do it better than anyone. The wine selection is fun, the menu is creative, but the biggest detractors are price and location. If it were more central and/or more affordable, this would be a no-brainer for special meals.

·         Odd Duck
o   I love the farm to market concept. Or “Farm to trailer” concept as Odd Duck has coined it. Take what’s local, what’s good, and what isn’t mass produced, and make the best you can out of the ingredients as they are in season. Odd Duck really set off the gourmet portion of the gourmet food trailer revolution in Austin for me, and still stands as the pinnacle of what great trailer food should be. The pork belly sliders are a can’t miss.

·         Kebabalicious
o   My favorite drunk food on planet earth. I dream of Kebabalicious. It’s coincidentally located across the street from my favorite bar (Mugshots), and I’ve been known to stare out the window from Mugshots, waiting for Kebabalicious to open. A beef/lamb gyro, spicy, with everything may be the perfect Austin street food. It’s also guaranteed birth control, because you will be battling that one down and out for some time to come. But it’s so damn good, you don’t care. During SXSW I am known to eat here multiple times a day…and wait almost an hour just for the pleasure of ordering.

Mexican / Tacos

This is really what Austin does best. And below is the best of that best. Torchy’s just missed the “just missed the cut” list, and is an awesome counterpoint to Taco Deli.

·         Torchy’s
o   2nd best Taco shop in town, not far down from Taco Deli. They kill it. My favorite breakfast taco in town by a wide margin. Lunch/Dinner also rocks, with the Green Chili Pork and the Brushfire Tacos being on par with some of Taco Deli’s best. Best queso in Austin.

·         Curra’s
o   Formerly my favorite Mexican restaurant in town. It’s not that they have changed…but that I’ve found some new loves in my life. Best Al Pastor taco in town. Anything that is pork, or seafood, is a pretty decent bet at Curra’s. Great margs – the avocado marg is certainly worth a try if you’ve never experienced it before.

·         Polvo’s
o   Best fajitas on planet earth. Everclear margaritas that you wouldn’t know were made of everclear until someone told you. Truly an “Austin” experience, and worth the ever-present wait. Chile Relleno en Nogada is another unique dish you can’t find on most menus, and they do one of the best I’ve ever had.

·         Sazon
o   Certainly a place you wouldn’t look at and think “I need to eat here” when driving down the road. They do dishes with a lot more subtlety than I’ve seen out of affordable Mexican restaurants in the past. I do always feel like I’m eating in a cave when I go in, but the food is worth a crummy environment.

·         Takoba
o   Fancy Mexican on the eastside. Probably the best chips and salsa in town compliment really well done Mexican food. The restaurant itself feels a bit “sterile”, it’s just too new, too clean, and not enough soul. It may not help that almost everyone who works there is a hipster. But damn can they crank out a great brunch, some great ceviche, and a hell of a pastor. I need to do a bit more exploring of their menu, but it’s all great stuff from what I’ve tried.

·         Manuel’s
o   One of the more expensive spots in town for Mexican, but they do it all very well. Their Chile Relleno en Nogada is one of the most beautifully presented anywhere, and they slap out a mean fajita. Possibly the best flan in Austin.

·         El Chile
o   Interior Mexican food is where it’s at. Curra’s, Polvo’s, and Sazon all do amazing interior, and El Chile is no exception. Great mole here, and it’s always fun to see puffy tacos on a menu in Austin. I prefer the Manor location to the Graystone, but both are equally awesome. Their roasted salsa has an awesome smoky flavor and blackish color that’s really unique.

·         El Chilito
o   The little brother to El Chile. It’s my local haunt. For $6 I can get a couple awesome tacos in about 5 minutes flat. They use the same salsa as El Chile, which really is a great accent to whatever else they have. The Charlie taco for breakfast and the Tinga tacos for lunch/dinner with guac are my personal favorites.

·         Ken’s Tacos Subs and More
o   Owned by a white dude with long, silver hair, and located at the corner of Cameron Road and Rundberg, this is the big “WTF” on my Mexican list thusfar. They give you the biggest bang for your buck of any restaurant on this list, and make almost everything in house. Personal favorites include their Carne Guisada (the best I’ve ever had), the Sausage and Egg, and strangely the single best Philly Cheesesteak sandwich I’ve ever had. Tell Ken that Ron and his son said hi the next time you’re in.

Sushi

·         Musashino
o   Some of the freshest seafood in town. I believe Tyson Cole had worked here at one point before moving on to Uchi success. Really interesting rolls and dynamite sauces. It’s been a while since I’ve been, but I have yet to have anything less than a stellar dining experience every time I’ve been to Musashino.

·         Origami
o   Located in a strip mall in Round Rock that previously held an abandoned Albertsons, you would expect absolutely awful sushi. Instead you get some of the most fresh and flavorful sushi in Austin. I’d highly recommend sitting at the bar, as the chefs are great conversationalists, even when slammed, and highly knowledgeable. The Bob Marley roll and Ninja roll are two of my personal favorites. And of course, as much escolar as you can cram into your face, if they have it fresh.

Pizza

·         Homeslice
o   It’s a well-known fact that Homeslice sends their entire staff (from floor to the kitchen) to NYC for a pizza tour once a year. This is what they replicate really damn well. I can’t think of a better crust in Austin – they get the perfect chew and crunch combination, like a good NYC pie should. There’s always a wait, but it’s so worth it.

·         Salvation
o   Compared to Homeslice, Salvation is more of your Neapolitan style pizza, with a thinner, crispier crust. Its biggest advantage is the relative lack of a wait. It’s never dead inside, but there seems to always be a way to snag a table as you walk in. Great sauce, amazing crust, and really quality ingredients set this apart from the rest in town. If Homeslice is #1, this would be a very close #1b.

·         Backspace
o   Literally the “backspace” of Parkside, this restaurant is rumored to have imported a pizza oven costing more than $100,000. And literally everything that is cooked in the restaurant uses the oven, to get that smoky woody goodness in the food. The menu is limited, which is a great thing. The addition of a fried egg on any pizza is just divine. And…they have guanciale, which is one of my all-time favorite ways to cure pig parts.

·         Hoboken Pie Company
o   I felt this streetza place on 8th and Red River deserved at least some respect. The best street pizza in Austin, and a SXSW haunt of mine.

Chinese

I’ve almost come to the same conclusion with Chinese food as I have with BBQ. Get the good stuff, get the real stuff, and skip all the rest. Asia Café is just.that.good. So it makes it almost impossible for me to eat Chinese food anywhere else in town. I’ve been dying to try Chen’s noodle house…but it’s located in the same parking lot as Asia Café and it’s pretty tough for me to try something new when the Spicy Fish is 5 feet away.

·         Din Ho
o   Located in that crappy shopping center with the Target at Ohlen and 183, this was my first taste of the “true” Chinese food in Austin. I found Asia Café about 3 months later, and haven’t really looked back, but I’d put this as a close second. The BBQ pork and roast duck are pretty awesome here. I’d put the roast duck a head above Asia Café’s, if that’s your thing.

·         Shanghai
o   Amazing Dim Sum. Enough said. Get there at 11 on a Saturday or Sunday and pig out on MSG goodness. Then go take a nap.

Vietnamese

·         Tan My
o   My favorite pho in town. Also my favorite beef with vermicelli in lemongrass in town. I was on a Vietnamese kick a few years back and would eat at this place at least once week for lunch. Now that I’ve moved a bit further away, and our office is 15-20 minutes away, I cherish every chance I get to eat some great Vietnamese food.

·         Thanh Nhi
o   Tremendous Banh Mi. For like $3. Seriously. The nicest lady you will ever meet operates it. I hadn’t been there in around 6 months and she remembered who I was, and said how nice it was to see me again.

Thai

·         Thai Spoon
o   The only place that gets Thai food right in Austin. Except it’s in Round Rock…damn near Hutto at the corner of Gattis School Road and Red Bud, in the HEB shopping center. Their menu is absolutely fantastic, but I would focus nearly all of my efforts around their curries. The Panang curry is sweet, spicy, and fresh. Their Salt and Pepper Tofu is also excellent. For bonus points, start ordering dishes spicier than “Thai Spicy”…we had a competition at work, and Snow Rosen took the prize getting up to 16x Thai Spicy on one order.

Indian

·         G’Raj Mahal
o   After living in London a few summers ago, it was nearly impossible for me to eat Indian food anywhere in town. It was all expensive, and just didn’t taste right. It was too greasy, it didn’t seem fresh enough, there was never enough spice, too many cream based sauces, too much Americanization, and it just seemed rather sloppily and hastily put together everywhere I went. G’Raj Mahal, however, does it pretty damn well, and pretty damn authentic. It might be expensive, there might be a wait, but just the smell of all those toasting spices and few BYOB beers is more than reason enough for me to wait. Amazing naan, an unbelievable lamb jalfrezi (that is spicy as shit), and a to die for rendition of chicken Kashmiri.

·         Teji’s
o   Another standout in a strip mall in Round Rock. Located across the street from Round Rock high school, this is another “restaurant in the back of a market/grocery” that puts the rest to shame. It tastes like someone’s mom is in the back, cooking home cooked Indian food. Great stuff, very balanced, and good enough that you almost forget you’re in a poorly lit grocery store, eating on a plastic table, with plastic utensils on paper plates. Not sexy, but very tasty.

Cocktails

Why does this deserve its own section? Well, frankly, because the places below have knocked out some fan-freaking-tastic cocktails, and I’ve been told also hammer out some incredible food. The drunk I am, I have only really indulged in beverages and finger foods at these fine establishments (which have been delectable). So I’m calling out their baller craft as cocktail bars in the hopes I have a reason to actually eat there in the near future.

·         Eastside Showroom
o   An extensive cocktail menu, and a really cool, funky setup in their bar, merging a hipster and steampunk theme. They make a mean sazerac, which I’ve come to find out, is much more difficult than it should be. God bless the cocktail revival.

·         Peche
o   An absinthe bar. A pre-prohibition cocktail emporium. The bartenders wear bowties and vests. The menu is broken out by primary liquor, and gets rather extensive. It was the first place I had tried elderflower liquor and was blown away. They make a pretty mean old fashioned here, but I certainly implore you to try something a bit more outside your comfort zone. I’ve only heard the best about their food, but only had a nibble here and there, and never anything resembling a meal.

·         Bar Congress
o   The guy who started Eastside Showroom was poached by a few other restaurants to develop a bar menu has now made his way to starting up Bar Congress. Located in the Austonian and sharing a kitchen (and also the bar portion of Second Bar + Kitchen), it’s a bit pretentious. How pretentious? I’m not sure they actually serve vodka at their bar (and this is a very, very good thing, actually). Cocktails sometimes reach north of $14. So pretentious the master mixologist rocks a turn of the 20th century waxed mustache and once served me a ¼ oz of bitters in a glass and said sometimes he likes to just sip them. But all sins are forgiven when you get deep into the cocktail menu. While the others on this list are focusing on perfecting the classics, and adding their own twists here and there – this is pure creation. The menu rotates pretty frequently, but if you ever have the chance to try a “Fightin’ Words”, do it.

Sandwiches

·         Fricano’s
o   They source all of their bread from Chuy’s Panaderia (possibly Austin’s best bakery). They do some really funky things with Boar’s Head ingredients and a tiny little shop in the middle of nowhere in north campus. I’ve used these guys for catering at Bazaarvoice about a billion times, and everyone loves it. The Cajun Turkey and the Double Ham Tapenade deserve mention, as do the homemade cookies.

·         Noble Pig
o   The name “Fat Kid Field Trip” was actually coined here, as Fat Eddie, Anu, and I were leaving the restaurant. Eddie claimed “next time you guys go on a fat kid field trip, give me a call.” The rest, as they say, is history. The owner and chef makes everything by hand. Seriously everything. Homemade bread, house cured hams and sausages, house roasted turkey, homemade pickles, homemade potato salad and cole slaw, homemade mayo, homemade mustard, etc etc etc. The namesake sandwich, the Noble Pig is spicy ham, pulled pork, provolone, and bacon, then grilled, with a light slathering of the most amazing mustard. Divine. The Smoked Duck Pastrami with Russian dressing and rye pickles is revelatory.

Steaks

Look – I’m just going to list the steakhouses. There’s really not much to say about a good steakhouse. They serve you an overpriced steak, but cook it perfectly, and give the option for some sides. Most places butcher those sides (mashed potatoes really aren’t that hard to perfect, guys). All of them have amazing wine menus, some better than the others. Here’s where I go to eat a steak when my company pays for it. Otherwise, I’m just gonna buy the steak I want and do it better for a fraction of the price at home. I must say, however, the wine list at III Forks is unbelievable.

·         III Forks
·         Austin Land and Cattle
·         Sullivan’s

Food Trailers

·         Eastside Kings
o   Both the locations, the original in the back of Liberty, and the one at the Grackle, are amazing. Steamed pork buns are absolutely amazing. Thai Chicken Karaage gives you a surprisingly large amount of food for next to nothing, and it’s delicious. I’ve yet to try the newest edition at Shangri-La, but hope to soon.

·         Pig Vicious
o   It’s a bacon trailer, dammit!

·         Gourdough’s
o   The Frankenstein monster of all donuts. They take a huge, freshly fried donut, and top it with anything you could possibly imagine. You eat one and you are done for the day. Granny’s Pie is my personal favorite, with bananas, pecans, graham cracker crumbles, and caramel sauce. It’s a freaking beast too.   

·         Peached Tortilla
o   Kickass little taco truck behind Star Bar doing some really interesting, nontraditional tacos. The banh mi taco and BBQ brisket tacos are definitely favorites. I’ve heard they have one of the best veggie tacos in town.

·         Coreanos / Chilantro
o   They’re basically the same thing. I think Chilantro may have a slight advantage. Korean BBQ tacos are freaking awesome. One of the few places I would actually recommend a tofu-anything, because they do it so damn well. And I was stuck eating it during SXSW on a Friday during lent and was really impressed. The fries, loaded with goodness, and covered in sauce are the real winners at both trucks.

Burgers / Bar Food

·         Jackalope
o   Best burger in Austin. It’s a fat burger, and on a good day, cooked to a perfect medium. It’s in one of my favorite dive bars anywhere, and the beer selection ain’t too shabby either. The chipotle bacon burger is about the only thing you need to know, with an order of waffle fries. On Wednesdays they do 2for1 burgers. Great freaking deal.

·         Your Mom’s Burgers
o   Some mad scientist had his way with these burgers. They stuff all of their burgers with some insane combination of cheese, meats, sauces, and then grill them and top them with some other insane combination of meats, sauces, and veg. It’s…insane. The Frida Kahlo – ½ lb burger stuffed with monterrey jack and chorizo, topped off w/ a fried egg, lettuce, tomato, onion, guacamole, & chipotle lime spread on a toasted bun. Yeah…

·         Frank
o   Gourmet dogs. A criminal obsession with topping waffle fries with all forms of awesomeness. Bacon infused makers and bacon infused Tito’s. I am a fat man. I pig the fuck out here.

·         Pluckers
o   Great wings. If you disagree, you don’t like wings. It’s also a great sports bar. This is my blog. It’s called Fat Kid Field Trip. The inclusion of Pluckers “The home of the freshmen 15” should be no surprise to you.

Italian:

Because I put my own cooking of Italian food on such a high pedestal, I rarely am happy eating Italian out. Italian food is just so simple to prepare it baffles me how often it is screwed up. And don’t even get me started about how hard it is to find good gnocchi or risotto…

·         Asti
o   Head and shoulders above the rest of the Italian food I have had in Austin. Great ambiance (modern, relaxed, albeit a bit loud), excellent preparation, reasonable prices for the quality. Asti is the only place on the planet that has a Caprese salad on par (or better) than Café de Flore on Boulevard Saint-Germain in Paris – knowing what sentimental value I have attached with that meal should tell you how mind-blowingly good the Caprese is at Asti.

·         Trattoria Lisina
o   Worth the drive to Driftwood. Located on the old Mandola Winery (I believe the winery has since been sold, but the restaurant remains), it is owned and operated by the same folks who started Mandola’s market, and Carrabbas – except they knock it out of the park. Their antipasto plate is pretty epic, and on 3 separate occasions there everything has been spot on. The veal marsala was a highlight. Beyond its lengthy drive from Austin and limiting hours, the biggest criticism I can give them is the décor and ambience. You always wish they would create the illusion it was something family owned, or built for something other than mass production. They do their best to hide the fact it is part of a chain, but if you pay attention you can tell the mastermind behind its design was thinking about maximizing tables and turns, rather than quality of experience.

·         Mandola’s
o   I love it for a “what can I get fast and relatively cheap” option. Nothing here is exceptional, but nothing is done poorly. You walk up to a counter, order food, and it’s delivered to your number rather quickly. Not much more to it, but I feel it deserves mention as the one affordable Italian option in town.

·         Enoteca Vespaio
o   Good, but overpriced. I have yet to go to their mother restaurant Vespaio, but it’s on the list of places to try. Solid food for sure.

Spanish:

·         Fino
o   Coincidentally owned by the same folks as Asti above, Fino is the only Spanish restaurant worth a shit in town. And from the few bites I’ve had, it’s quite good to spectacular (Chorizo Stuffed Medjool Dates). I’m head over heels in love with all things Spanish. I’m also really fucking good at cooking Spanish food, so if I can walk circles around you in the kitchen, why would I ever pay you 4x my costs to eat it at your restaurant? I have to applaud Fino, much like Asti for blowing me away from time to time in an area that is nearly impossible to impress me. 

The “Worth Reconsideration” List:

·         Franklin BBQ
o   Look, I’ve tried this place 4 times and had nothing but a mediocre BBQ experience in comparison with my Top 5 List. The brisket had the texture of meat pudding, the smoke flavor wasn’t pronounced enough for my taste, the ribs were good (but not great), the sausage was about the same, but the pulled pork was pretty awesome. Still better/best in Austin, but not nearly worth the rave reviews and hassle. If I’m going to wait 45+ minutes for ‘que there is no reason I won’t just hop in my car and drive to Lockhart/Luling. The Jackass at Bon Appetite calling it the Best BBQ in America needs to beaten mercilessly for that statement. BUT it’s been nearly a year, and some trusted BBQ sources have told me it’s gotten much better, and a lot of the issues I’ve spoken about have gone to the side. Look for a full posting the next time I take the leap of faith and set myself up for disappointment.

The “Stay the Fuck Away” List:

Overrated food. Over-priced to hell. Stuffy without reason. A gargantuan portion of food for next to nothing but still just isn’t that tasty. That’s how you get on this list. It’s also a 6000+ word post, and all of this enthusiasm needs to allow my snarkiness to come out somehow.

·         Ranch 616
o   WTF was this place thinking? I know they are trying to have the “Austin-chic” vibe, with the Virgin Mary painting hanging below a pair of Longhorns. But the food doesn’t need to resemble your décor. Who on earth wants a 16oz steak with a seafood taquito, covered in chili? No one. Especially when it’s in the $30 range. It wouldn’t be so bad if each of the individual components were phenomenal, but everything is so hit or miss you wonder what kind of stoner nightmare you’ve entered whenever you eat at Ranch 616. You know a restaurant is bad when you’ve had someone else pick up the tab every time you’ve eaten there and still walked away saying “wtf”. Great location, though.

·         Paggi House
o   Lost in time. This is a place that seems to have rested on its laurels for years, banking on an amazing patio, solid reputation, and phenomenal location. The interior is just plain odd, with some of the worst artwork I’ve seen in a while (that might just be personal bias). The service was abysmal during my last adventure, both slow and confused, with one waiter only dedicated to drink orders, while someone else entirely covered our food. My mushroom risotto was so bland and textureless it was nearly inedible. The risotto was nearly standing up it was so stiff (a cardinal sin, they need to “ooze”), and the “delicate” flavor of the mushrooms was nearly non-existent, although I could see the mushrooms which was nice. Dessert was pretty tasty though.

·         Maria, Maria
o   It’s a chain of restaurants owned by Carlos Santana. I shouldn’t be picking on this place, because you already know what you’re getting into before you sit down, but damn I want to discourage people from eating here. Walk the extra 3 blocks, shell out an additional $10 a head, and prepare for a mind-blowing experience at La Condesa instead.

·         Kenichi
o   All sizzle, no steak. This is sushi made for people who like to talk about eating at sushi restaurants more than the actual Sushi itself. For the guy who wants to impress the girl with the fancy restaurant with huge price tags and a sexy décor and mood lighting. And things like strawberries in a fucking sushi roll. This is for people who equate class with money. This is the restaurant for your Dallas crowd.

·         Zoot
o   A restaurant that just lacked soul. Technically proficient, the dishes were well executed. Over a 5 course tasting menu, the technical capabilities of the chefs was never in question. Perfect temperature on a steak, perfectly even and symmetrical slices of tomatoes, beautiful presentation, all of these things are the calling card of someone who takes their profession very seriously. Sadly, it all just seemed to be so half-assed in the flavor and originality department I started to wonder why on earth I drove nearly to Beecaves to eat there. When you lack salt, acid, flavor, across nearly every dish, but it’s technically flawless, I begin to wonder exactly why you are in a kitchen at all.

·         Juan in a Million
o   This ought to ruffle some feathers. It’s just not that good. Come clean – if the Don Juan was $5, $6, $7, would there be the cult following for the food? If you answer yes, I question your taste. If you answer no, you see why I really loathe this place. Instead of paying $3.25 for a mediocre Don Juan, I’d just as rather pay ~$5 for two Torchy’s breakfast tacos and get about the same volume of food, just better in every way possible. So much better I’d argue they aren’t even playing the same game. And if you’re like me, and foolishly ordered a non Don Juan menu item in the past, you might be wondering why on earth they even have a menu.

·         Madam Mams
o   I get it. It’s on the drag, and it’s cheap. And there isn’t really much/any Thai food in Austin. But much like Vietnamese food, Thai food is all about freshness of ingredients and balance of flavors. You want the freshness of everything you are eating to just sing at you. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve ever had at Madam Mams that embraces that dedication to freshness. Stay away from their curry. Its bad news bears. Much like the rest of their menu.

Once again, I’m pretty awful at this blogging thing. This is way longer than any blog should ever be. Maybe next time I’ll break it out?

Thanks for stickin with me, crew.

-Dutch